Have you ever wondered why you sometimes react to situations the way that you do?

Do you tend to lash out at those you love?

Do you self-censor and try not to upset the apple cart?

Do you bury yourself in work?

Do you scrolling for hours on facebook and instagram?

Or do you drown your feelings in a gallon of Cherry Garcia ice cream while watching re-runs of Grace and Frankie for an entire weekend?

One of the things that we want to recognize, is that we all have circumstances or relationships in our life that cause us to be triggered. Triggers cause us to move out of this state of that warm, present cozy, state of connection to ourselves and push us into our safety patterns such as fight, flight and freeze.

When we are triggered, we are in our survival brain-literally trying to survive whatever is happening outside of ourselves that we deem as potentially dangerous. Our rational thinking brain is turned 'off line' making it really challenging for us to respond in a way that is connecting and healthy. Often, we respond by shutting down, walking on egg shells, criticizing, demanding, or simply avoiding.

Triggers can actually be a beautiful thing-because they show us where some of our deepest work lies. They can be a pretty awesome invitation to go inward and heal old wounds, untrue thoughts and unmet needs. The triggers you experience hold so much incredible feedback.

They're really your key to understanding your healing.

In this episode I talk about understanding your triggers and your glimmers-those things that bring you back home to yourself. I share with you plenty of ideas to get you started creating your own glimmer list, but I invite you to create your own so that you can learn exactly what glimmers or resources help you regulate your nervous system and come back home to you.

Before listening consider:

Do you snap easily at people?

Do you find yourself sometimes questioning why you behave or react in the way that you do?

Are you craving healthier more intimate connection with others?

Do you often run from one activity to the next?

Do you sometimes isolate for days or weeks?

Do you sometimes feel resentful in your relationships?

These can all be signs of triggers. And while triggers are not fun-I can honestly say that they are a gift.

"Glimmers help you come back home to yourself. They create a sense of safety and connection to yourself."~Krista Resnick

"When we don't know how to move through conflict, and be in the discomfort of our dysregulation. It's almost impossible to have rich relationship." ~Krista Resnick

"There's a lot of important information in our triggers, I want you to start thinking about triggers being your new invitation to go inward."~ Krista Resnick

"The triggers you experience hold so much feedback. They're really your key to understanding your healing."~Krista Resnick

LINKS FROM EPISODE

FAWN to FIERCE

Krista Resnick

Afton Brazzoni is the founder of Scribe National, where she and her team have the pleasure of helping billion-dollar companies and solopreneurs alike with their marketing. After 10 years working in marketing and communications roles, Afton launched Scribe National in 2019. Since then, they've helped over 50 clients worldwide unleash their brilliance through the written word.

Afton knows the struggle of boundaries in business. She says that she considers herself to be a bit of a people pleaser -which is common for many of us-we want to be liked, we don’t necessarily want to upset anyone. When Afton was building her business, there was a time period where she felt she needed to be a bit more fluid with her boundaries. However, she also understood what she was building and that she had no desire to make this a long term situation. She believes that establishing boundaries with yourself, clients, and team members as well as setting expectations and communicating those expectations are all essential skills that one must learn to really master entrepreneurship.

Before listening to this episode consider....

Do you struggle with boundaries in your life and business?

Do you believe that boundaries are selfish, mean and cold-hearted?

Do you feel like something is ‘off’ if you don’t feel overwhelmed?

Are you constantly filling your calendar space with busyness?

Do you want your life to appear outwardly as if you’ve got it all together?

At a certain point Afton said enough is enough! She recognized that what she needed to do was actually address boundaries in all areas of her life. It wasn’t easy-and even a bit messy, but Afton mentioned in the interview how incredibly rewarding it was.

I can attest that there hasn’t been too many things that have pushed my edges out quite like entrepreneurship (well, of course motherhood). It can be easy to lose yourself in client demands, expectations and wanting to serve with a heart of excellence. Its easy to sometimes blur boundary lines.

In this episode, Afton shares her personal journey and struggles of setting boundaries in her work and business. She had to redefine what it meant to set a healthy boundary and how those boundaries would be of benefit to her long term.

Boundaries are one of the best things we can do to protect our peace, our energy, our lifeforce. But you have to trust yourself in order to set them-if you’re solid in yourself-your boundaries become clear and honest.

“Setting a boundary feels uncomfortable, but not setting one actually also causes a great deal of discomfort as well” ~ Afton Brazzoni

“I don't believe that anybody is a people pleaser. I believe that there's a part of them that uses people pleasing as a protective strategy to feel approved of, to perhaps have some control so that they in essence, stay safe.” ~Krista Resnick

“Boundary work is worth doing the work.” ~Afton Brazzoni

“When you're doing boundary work what you're really doing is self worth work. You're cleaning out patterns that look like people pleasing, codependency, subordinating, appeasing and placating So, when you begin healing those things is when you can start standing in your truth and lead.” ~Krista Resnick

“Appreciate yourself for doing the work.” ~Afton Brazzoni

FAWN TO FIERCE

AFTON BRAZZONI

This live coaching session is about owning and expressing our truth. Today's caller Laura, has an old childhood pattern coming up of 'going along to get along.' Laura has a big decision to make and is really fearful of what other's may think of her choice and the potential impact it could have. As you will hear in this show, Laura refers to herself as an 'oops baby.' The youngest of four siblings, Laura was constantly drug to her older sisters event and activities. By the time Laura came along-her parents were tired. She believed she was an inconvenience to her family and as a result she felt a lot of shame and as if she was a a burden to others.

Guilt and shame prevent us from being able to honor our truth, needs and feelings. We wind up being in-authentic and hiding our truth, which can leave us feeling resentful. Needs are not a weak thing to have. But because Laura was so accustomed to playing small and not wanting to be a burden, it almost felt wrong for her to rise up and express what she needed. Please hear me say...it is OK to choose something that may feel selfish but is self-honoring and in the best interest of those involved.

When it comes to relationships, it can be hard and messy to not let guilt get involved when it comes to our decision making. Most of us don't like that thought of hurting those we care about but when we allow guilt and obligation to make our decisions for us-we aren't making choices that in the highest good of everyone involved.

Our needs extend much beyond things like survival. We need human connection, adventure, play just to name a few. It doesn't make you weak to have these needs. It makes you human. Part of Laura's work will be to acknowledge and express her needs. It doesn't make her wrong-it doesn't even mean that the other person will agree to her needs, but owning and acknowledging what it is that we need is our truth. And our truth cannot be denied.

Consider:

Do you struggle to know what you want and need?

Is asking for help a challenge for you?

Do you dim your light or play small to make it more convenient for others.

Does your mind spin out in what if’s?

Do you overtake responsibility for other people and their happiness?

Do you treat people like they are fragile?

Where are you going along to get along?

Laura's question :

Laura is faced with a decision to relocate but at the cost of not being near her mother which she has spent the past two years building a beautiful and healthy relationship with. She feels selfish for wanting this, she feels guilty for taking her son far from her mother.

Laura's a-ha's:

Being authentically who I am is not doing anything wrong

The difference between a healthy responsibility VS and OVER-TAKING of responsibility.

When my mind spins out in what if's answer them

It's not her responsibility to manage other people's feelings.

Where in your life are you not expressing yourself? Where do you feel selfish for simply having a human need? Look at where certain needs in your life aren't being met and make yourself accountable for having a clarifying conversation

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From Fawn to Fierce

This time of year always brings up such conflicting feelings for me. There is the part of me that much like the leaves dying and falling from the trees, longs to surrender and let go of old patterns, behaviors and habits that are no longer serving me.

And then, there are the parts of me that want to dive into the harvest and move quickly. To say YES to opportunities and experiences, and give and serve.

What I have learned about boundary work is that it is deeply sacred. It is the art of learning how to truly say YES to yourself. Many of us were raised believing that boundaries and saying yes to yourself was selfish. I'm here to say that it's not. While I know this can rattle a lot of feathers and kick up a lot of dust, it is truth that you were made to claim the life that God has for you and it begins by paying attention to the parts of yourself that are worn out, exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful.

Fall is a perfect reminder that it is good and healthy to let go of meeting the constant demands and requests of others and slowly and gently begin to place the focus on ourselves and our needs, dreams, desires and wishes. Yes we were made to be in community and connection with others, which does present the confusion around how do I know when I've gone too far? But it is when we start asking that very question-how do I know that i've gone too far, that we've probably gone too far. Shame is often what drives us to put our feet on the gas pedal and keep going, placate, subordinate and people please.

But before the world dumped it's shame on you-God said you were good. He said you were designed in HIS image. You are not broken, you are HIS and HE SAYS you are GOOD. You are worth your best yes!

When there is any level of conflict in your relationships, what is your reaction? Do you try to quickly make the situation okay, do you please others by placating and stepping over your own boundary lines? Do you find that you walk on egg shells in certain relationships? Do you have a hard time knowing and expressing what you need?

When I first started doing this work, I noticed that I could have every boundary script ready to go, but still fail to set the boundary. I began to piece together that certain people triggered me in a way where I suddenly found myself trading in what I stood for because I was scared to share my truth. I self censored when I wanted to express myself and even though I was practicing my affirmations, I continued to give my power away to those that I thought were more experienced and smarter than me. I came to the conclusion that boundaries were much more nuanced and complicated than saying no.

Conceptually, I understood boundaries, but I knew there was a missing piece.

What I discovered through my own personal journey, research and work is that healing people pleasing and codependency are a lot deeper and more complex than “just say no and set a boundary.” You might be familiar with flight, fight and freeze trauma responses, but there is an additional trauma response that doesn’t get as much publicity. That response is called FAWN and it’s often the root of what people pleasing and codependency are all about.

And believe that if you really want to heal your boundaries, we have to go to the root.

That’s what this podcast is all about.

When there is any level of conflict in your relationships, what is your reaction? Do you try to quickly make the situation okay, do you please others by placating and stepping over your own boundary lines? Do you find that you walk on egg shells in certain relationships? Do you have a hard time knowing and expressing what you need?

When I first started doing this work, I noticed that I could have every boundary script ready to go, but still fail to set the boundary. I began to piece together that certain people triggered me in a way where I suddenly found myself trading in what I stood for because I was scared to share my truth. I self censored when I wanted to express myself and even though I was practicing my affirmations, I continued to give my power away to those that I thought were more experienced and smarter than me. I came to the conclusion that boundaries were much more nuanced and complicated than saying no.

Conceptually, I understood boundaries, but I knew there was a missing piece.

What I discovered through my own personal journey, research and work is that healing people pleasing and codependency are a lot deeper and more complex than “just say no and set a boundary.” You might be familiar with flight, fight and freeze trauma responses, but there is an additional trauma response that doesn’t get as much publicity. That response is called FAWN and it’s often the root of what people pleasing and codependency are all about.

And believe that if you really want to heal your boundaries, we have to go to the root.

That’s what this podcast is all about.

I love all things emotions but it wasn't always that way. I used to be so cut off from feeling my feelings and anger was especially hard for me access. I deemed it wrong, hurtful, extreme and ugly. Today, I love anger because I understand that this powerful emotion is simply feedback. It is information that I can use and work through to process pain, shame, or a boundary violation.

Emotions can feel so uncomfortable because of how they modeled for us or because we simply don't know how to sit with the discomfort of our emotions. These simply aren't things we are taught as children. Our guest today, Dr. Christian Conte, is one of the world's leading experts on emotions and anger management. Dr. Conte has worked with some of the world's most violent criminals, MMA fighters as well as top athletes and some of the toughest people in maximum security prisons to help them integrate their emotions, specifically their anger.

In this episode Dr. Conte walks us through a bit of his work called "Yield Theory" and helps us learn how to manage our emotions (as well as explaining what it even means to manage your emotions).

Codependency is based in and LOVES fear. Along with that fear comes a lack of self love. The feelings that come along with codependency can become addictive-YES we actually can become addicted to feeling the constant states of overwhelm, resentment, anxiety and lack. Our cells literally get used to feeling this lack of self love.

Listen to this episode to learn more about emotional addiction and how to heal it.

Do you struggle to make a decision? Are you terrified that you are going to choose the wrong thing or upset someone if they don't agree with your choice?

Do you live life by an opinion poll, always collecting and taking note of what other people need and want?

Oh man do I know this pattern WELL. One of the ways codependency manifested for me was my inability to trust myself. As annoying as it was, for me and for everyone around me, I couldn’t seem to stand firm in my decisions. I longed to be more confident and stand firm in my decisions, but couldn’t understand why it was so hard for me.

In this episode we go deep into Dr. Andrea's 5 step REAL selflove process and she shares candidly about her own healing journey and what she had to go through in order to start loving the woman in the mirror.

This work can often feel heavy, as so much of it is about grieving the childhood's many of us never got to have. Our parents are not perfect. They often wound us. And that can be a hard notion to accept because what happens when we are faced with that truth? Dr. Andrea shares with us some insightful tips to navigate the grief that often arises as a result of our relationship with our parents.

Does this sound familiar?

🎧Your relationships are not where you want them to be?

🎧You're saying yes a lot to things you don’t really want to do?

🎧You feel resentful a lot of the time

🎧You find yourself irritated, frustrated and impatient often?

There could be a chance that you have suppressed your anger and it's leaking out which slowly erodes our happiness our authentic expression and our joy.

On the show today, I have anger management specialist and psychotherapist Michelle Farris explaining the connection between codependency and anger.

Do you struggle to communicate with others in a way that you feel seen and heard? Or perhaps you find that you get stuck in conflict, often going round and round the same issue time and time again. Maybe you even put off having conversations that you know need to be had in order to keep the peace and eliminate tension.

Today's episode is dedicated to learning how to speak in a way that is more connective, compassionate and honest (while still getting your needs met).

Many people don’t always understand what people pleasing is. Yes we want to be kind. Yes we want to support others, but people pleasing and kind simply are not the same.

People pleasing is one of the key traits of the survival response, fawning. In a nutshell, “fawning” is the use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others.

And when we live our life focused on and dancing to appease OTHERS, we lose ourselves.

In this episode, I unpack what some of the fawning traits are as well as ‘types’ of fawners so you might be able to recognize it in yourself.

Today on the show, Ross Rosenberg joins us to talk about narcissism and codependence. The concepts are tied so deeply together and in this episode you will begin to understand why. Ross spends much of his work helping others understand the term codependency at much deeper level by sharing his concept of what he has coined “self-love deficit disorder.”

Ross explains the “dance” of codependency and narcissism, exploring how codependency often forms from narcissistic abuse in childhood and why codependents and narcissists are like magnets for each other. We tend to be attracted to what feels familiar to us, which is why codependents often experience such an intense chemistry with a narcissistic partner. Eventually however, the codependents awakes from their slumber and discovers that his or her “soulmate” has become their “cellmate.”