Is busyness causing you to miss out on your life?
It was August of 2018, 5am. This was a moment I subconsciously and consciously prepared for, for 18 years. And yet nothing prepared for me that actual moment.
My oldest was leaving home and heading to college. Not only was that a pretty massive transition for our entire family, but he was also moving 1500 miles away. He was fulfilling his dream of playing Division 1 golf at a Southern University.
At that exact moment that I followed him down our back hallway and out into the garage to load up into the car, taking him on the 21 hour journey to arrive in Florida, it was as if everything was happening in slow motion. As he literally stepped over the threshold of our entry way it was a massive realization of one foot in his current life, his safe place, his family, his home, the only thing he had ever known, and one foot in his future. the thing he had always worked so hard for. The thing that was his passion.
It was in that very moment-that first massive transition for our entire family, that life would never look the same. Now I know it’s not supposed to-they grow up, they move out, of course. But it got me curious, how did I feel like I missed so much day to day? How is it that I felt like it was 18 years of one big blur?
Sure I had laundry to do, mouths to feed, lunches to pack, dinners to cook, bathrooms to clean, errands to run, school volunteering to do-as well as squeeze in clients-but HOW? HOW did it all slip through my fingers so fast?
How did the day to day feel SO LONG and yet year to year passed so quick?
On that day when he had one foot in his past and one foot in his future-I made a vow to myself. I promised myself that I would begin to practice being more present in my life. I knew that I could not force time to slow down, but I could control how I responded to time. I could change my relationship with time and the presence that I brought to each and every moment.
Until that moment of walking over the threshold, I actually was not aware of how much of my life I had spent rushing. Running at breakneck speed day after day. And for what? What was I so immersed in that I missed so much? How did I become so absent from my life?
I am writing this article because it was those exact questions coupled with the permission to allow myself to get curious, that I journeyed into a deep exploration of what exactly was keeping me from really practicing full presence in my life.
I didn’t want to continue to miss moments. I didn’t want to continue to feel absent and disconnected from the world around me. I wanted deeper relationships. I wanted connection and depth in my life. It’s taken me awhile to come to any sort of a conclusion, but just allowing myself to observe and be curious was the best place to start. As a result, I’ve been able to come up with 8 reasons why I and I believe WE as humans stay so busy.
Please understand-it is not that being busy is bad. We do have a lot going on in today’s culture-but what is bad is the lack of connection we are experiencing with ourselves, those we love and those we serve. Many of us are craving deeper connections, and yet we don’t take the time to get curious as to why those connections aren’t happening in the first place.
We are conditioned in society today to buy into the misunderstanding that being busy is some sort of a badge of honor. Meanwhile we are exhausted, overwhelmed, riddled with guilt and anxiety, dealing with fried adrenals, high doses of cortisol running through our systems, and feeling like our lives are nothing short of a chaotic circus.
So let’s dive in….
1). Sometimes we actually do have a lot to do.
When I was a young mom, the reality was that I just simply had a lot to do. Groceries, cleaning, meal prep, keeping the house in shape, dishes, cleaning, taking care of myself and my needs, trying to keep one date night per week on the calendar, trying to maintain friendships, trying to volunteer, keep up with dentist appointments and a whole lot more.
The problem is that many of us women don’t ask for what we need. We don’t ask for support and we often neglect our emotional needs-needs like acceptance, comfort, being listened to, supported, fun, and support (just to name a few). We are running on empty 97% of the time which leaves us frazzled and fried. This was definitely the case for me. The reality is that we cannot operate like this as a lifestyle. To have a busy day or two great-but an everyday lifestyle of this type will lead to fried nervous systems and massive energy drains.
So dear reader, I just want you to know that I see you, because I was you. The saying really is true-Rome wasn’t built in a day. You don’t have to get all the things done in a day. Leave space to breathe, to be and to just practice presence.
2). We struggle to set clear and concise boundaries.
First, let’s get clear on what boundaries are not: they are not about aggressive confrontation, being argumentative or combative. They’re not ultimatums and threats. They are not about building a wall to keep others’ out.
Boundaries are what you deem acceptable and unacceptable in your life. They are like rules and guidelines for YOUR life. So do you feel it is acceptable for your life to run on empty 24/7 and miss every moment in between? Do you believe it is acceptable for you to be exhausted, stressed, anxiety and snappy 80% of the day?
Boundaries in their simplest form are….this is what I’m available for. And this is what I’m not available for. Getting clear on what you are available for and standing firm on that is where you will find so much of your personal power. You will no longer be drained by taking on too much responsibility and saying YES to every request that comes your way.
3). Busy allows us to avoid change and growth.
When we’re always so busy-guess what we are not doing? Prioritizing our time to grow and evolve as a human. We are here on this earth to learn, grow and be an expression of our purpose. When we are not growing and expanding we are becoming stagnant. We are becoming numb to experiences of the world. We simply stay in a cycle that feels comfortable and familiar. However, NOTHING grows in the comfort zone. As a matter of fact-I don’t even think the comfort zone is all that comfortable. In fact, I believe the comfort zone is not a real place. It is an idea created by you. So what is it exactly?
Its function is to keep you feeling safe.
It is what you know and are familiar with in all areas of your life—relationships, choices, how you spend your time—even thoughts patterns and feelings.
It excludes things you are afraid of or uncomfortable with.
Your comfort zone doesn’t sound like a bad place to be—unless you are comfortable with disharmonious relationships you avoid working on, unfulfilling behavior patterns, resentments from the past, and beliefs about yourself and the world that limit you.
The comfort zone is about keeping the status quo. And behind keeping the status quo is fear. So the question to sit with is….What am I really afraid of?
4). We struggle to prioritize
This was me. Spot on me. It’s not even that I struggled to prioritized, it was that EVERYTHING WAS A PRIORITY! And when everything is a priority-nothing is a priority.
Everything being a priority drove me into a constant state of overwhelm. And that state of overwhelm felt so incredibly familiar to me. I hesitated to ever really get clear on what mattered to me because then would have to take action on that one thing. Prioritization would force me to get clear on my goals, desires and needs. And I wasn’t ready at that point in my life to make those hard changes. Getting clear on those things would require a new version of me, a version of me that spoke her truth, stood in her vision and was confident in what she was here to do. Prioritizing my truth would cause a lot of people around me to either rise up and meet me or walk away. I wasn’t ready for that consequence. I wasn’t ready for that change.
What is it for you? Why is it a struggle for you to prioritize? Is it because you might have to set a boundary and say no? Are you like me and just stayed in the murky waters of what your dreams and needs were because you are afraid of the costs that will come along with getting focused and clear? Really think about this one and see what you come up with.
5). It distracts us from uncomfortable feelings.
Many of us pile on commitment after commitment. We jam-pack our schedules. We keep ourselves busy to avoid painful—or even pleasant—feelings.
When you take all of your distractions away, when you stop running at breakneck speed and you sit with yourself-you are touching base with you .
When you say I'm full of anxiety and full of thoughts, that is the energy you are carrying around and you just don't know it. Why don't you know it? Because you're so busy. You're doing this. You're doing that or you're yelling at people, or you're running here, running there, but the point is you don't know it.
Here are a few really simple, yet powerful questions you can ask yourself-Does your busyness feel like you’re running away from something (versus running toward it)? Do you feel anxious or uncomfortable when there isn’t a task immediately in front of you? When you end up unexpectedly having a few unstructured hours or alone time, do you automatically try to fill it with distractions (such as social media)?
For many people staying busy is how they’ve coped for years.This becomes an integrated strategy built into their defense structure as a tool to protect themselves from difficult feelings, and it has provided tremendous value to them in their lives.” But the strategy has run its course when individuals start experiencing anxiety, depression or fatigue.
Our emotions hold all sorts of beautiful information. We owe it to them to honor them. We owe it to ourselves to put the brakes on busy and feel.
6). It gives us a feeling of purpose/fulfillment.
Busyness has become the new normal. It’s easy to mistake busyness for validation. It makes us feel a sense of fulfillment and worth. Being busy makes us feel good. But it’s also burning us out. What’s interesting is how in reality it actually robs us of those very things that we are searching for.
Understand that the opposite of busyness isn’t laziness or emptiness or drifting through life. It’s purpose. Choice. Prioritization. Being busy is letting others control your time. Being purposeful is being in the driver’s seat. When you give in to the cult of busyness, you give up one of the greatest tools we have for being productive, happy, and protecting ourselves from burnout: rest.
In order to do meaningful work and become more creative and productive, we need to take a step away from the always-on, no-room-to-breathe, hectic pace of the modern workplace. When we are so busy we often engage in an activity called tunneling.
Here’s how tunneling works: When we’re busy running around, answering emails, putting out fires, and racing to back-to-back meetings, time becomes much more scarce. To deal with that scarcity, our brains effectively put on blinders.
Suddenly, we’re not able to look at the big picture and instead can only concentrate on the most immediate (often low-value) tasks in front of us.
And low value tasks are not your zone of genius, they are not being an expression of your purpose.
However, we often opt for busyness because it allows us to feel purpose even when it’s not there. However, leading a busy life without purpose can be like reading about an exciting love affair without having one!
8). We work to prove our worth.
At some point in our journey on earth, we all learned to outsource our worth. Some of us have outsourced our worth to other’s opinions, some of us have outsourced our worth to how much income we generate, and some of us outsource our worth to work (these are just to name a few). It is our responsibility to recognize what we have attached our worth to, and do the healing work of recognizing how incredibly worthy we actually are. Yep, that’s right. You are inherently worthy. Without doing a thing.
Have you bought into the lie that you the more activities you juggle, the more worthy you are? Check in with yourself to see if you are deriving your worth from checking off your to-do list.
If this is true for you I would encourage you to spend time in silent reflection. This will allow the space to think more deeply about the person you want to be and why. Looked to the lives of the women around you whom you admire.
Are they getting 3 hours of sleep a night? Are they answering emails all through the night? Are they snapping at their kids, partners and friends because their nerves are so fried? Are they working 365 days a year straight with no holiday? My guess would be a simple no.
As millennial author and speaker Jon Acuff once said, “It will be a great day when you accomplish nothing and still believe you are worth something.”
You are so much more valuable than the schedule you keep. It is your responsibility to see that, to believe that because it is truTH. Your truTH.
Will You believe it?
You Matter,
Krista
P.S. Have you checked out The School of Badassery?
Imagine if you could:
Stand in conviction, know who you really are and embrace the gift you are to the world.
Ask for what you need with confidence.
Trust yourself. And really listen and rely on your intuition.
Speak your truth. Even if it’s unpopular.
Stop functioning in chaos. Create some real downtime in your life to enjoy the things you love.
Cultivate a wildly strong belief in yourself that opens you up to feel ALIVE
Use your voice and actions to create what matters to you
What would THAT mean to you? This is just a taste of what we do inside The School-but check it out for yourself. We would be so honored to have you. Click HERE to check it out