Are you Tired of Toxic People and Relationships?
“Get away from toxic people.”
“Don’t let toxic people into your life.”
“Some people are just toxic, and you need to let them go.”
“You are the average people of the 5 people you hang around.”
“ This person is just SO toxic.”
Do these thoughts seem to pass through your mind when it comes to relationships?
Lately I have been thinking a lot about one of my favorite quotes by Eckhart Tolle-”Life is not meant to make you happy. It is meant to make you conscious.” As a coach and fellow human, I believe that I have a responsibility to own my behaviors, my feelings, and my thoughts. I believe that I also have a responsibility to partner with my clients to help them own theirs.
My deepest desire is to help raise the consciousness of the world one epic beautiful person at a time.
And from my perspective, when we label others as toxic, it is not only dehumanizing and creating more havoc in the world, but a very “ low conscious” approach to moving through life. (Low conscious meaning-unaware)
The truTH that I invite you to play with, is that people are not toxic.
Behavior and actions can be toxic or unhealthy. But people are not.
It is true that we need to set firm boundaries with those who have harmful and draining behavior. But from my point of view, we pull out the label “toxic,” too quick because we haven’t really taken the time to explore what’s REALLY going on at a deeper level.
For the remainder of this article, I’d like to suggest that we consider four potential personal and relational consequences that happen when we label others as toxic.
1). People are people. Labeling people as “toxic” is a judgment that doesn’t actually help you with your own healing and growth.
When we label someone as toxic It means we’ve put all the negative responsibility for the issue on them. We’ve completely ignored the fact that we have called this person into our life with our own thoughts, feelings and behavior-our energy.
We forget that we were an exact energetic match to that person.
Too often I’ve seen people label someone as ‘toxic,’ toss the relationship in the trash, and turn around to attract the exact same vibrational relationship because they have not taken responsibility for how they are showing up in the world. They simply jump from one relationship to the next without doing the work to raise their energetic vibration, therefore calling in healthier relationships.
Looking at our relationships and developing a deep understanding of what is coming up for us and simply observing ourselves, can help us begin to get clear on what our own personal needs, values and boundaries are.
In essence, this can help us tremendously in our own growth. When we write people off as toxic, we’ve eliminated that opportunity.
From a spiritual perspective, life is happening FOR us (not to us). This perspective helps us gain clarity around WHY this person has shown up in your life at this exact time. Going deeper into curiosity and playing with questions such as: “What behaviors, patterns or wounds in myself, is this individual revealing to me, is a beautiful opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of what it is that YOU are being called to heal.
Our soul will bring forth the lessons when we are ready to heal. When we look at it through this filter, it helps us to meet this person and experience so much differently. Suddenly, this individual has just become our greatest teacher. We can then approach the situation with gratitude rather than angst and allow ourselves to step OUT of judgment and be thankful for the opportunity to grow.
When we slow down and really see this person as our teacher, and allow ourselves to get curious, we are then able to step into self-observation and knowledge. We GET the chance to meet ourselves with compassion and heal another layer of behavior, wounds, hurts.
We can begin to ask ourselves questions such as:
What is this person revealing to me?
What unknown, unacknowledged part of me is this person drawing out that I haven’t been willing to look at?
Who does this person remind me of from my past? What parts of me of being called forward to heal?
What emotional addictions have I been stuck in that this person is revealing to me that it might be time to let go of?
2). Labeling is harmful to others.
On the other side, labeling of another human as toxic, disregards whatever pain has caused their dysfunctional behavior.
There is a reason that people go through life the way they do. Most of us have defense mechanisms or patterns that we created in early childhood to help us get by without sinking into a ton of shame, guilt, fear, and insecurity. These patterns have shaped us so deeply that now we think that’s who we are. But those patterns are NOT our true self. In fact, they cover up our true self and prevent it from shining out into the world.
Those defense mechanisms protect us (or so we think), but they also build a wall which prevents us from truly connecting with others and actualizing our human potential.
Labeling someone as “toxic” is an unconscious response to having been hurt. “You hit me, so I hit you back,” is not the strategy of a conscious human being. When we label someone, we are in judgment. And when we are in judgment, we’ve completely blocked ourselves from growth and healing.
Labeling places us in high ego. If they’re “this” then it makes me “this.” It's an attempt for us to feel better about ourselves. It’s a false sense of self worth. True self worth and self love comes from understanding, from compassion and grace-not judgment. Hurting people really do in fact hurt people. It doesn’t mean that you have to be available for poor behavior, but it does help you to move to compassion-which leads you to lean into and understanding of what that other person might be struggling with.
3). Labeling places you in a victim mentality.
No one really has that much power over us-no one. When we label others, it actually weakens how we feel about ourselves. What you may not realize, is that all judgment is self-judgment. When we judge others, the person we are actually judging is us.
It was poet Hermann Hesse who said: "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
It also is stating that you believe someone is poisonous and that they have the power to infect you. This immediately places you in the seat of the victim rather than take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behavior. You and only you protect your peace by using your voice and making choices that put you in the driver's seat of your life.
When we label others as toxic, we aren’t taking 100% ownership of our 50% of the relationship. We are literally saying-I’m a victim to how this person is treating me and there’s nothing I can do about it but run away. Buying into this misunderstanding eliminates your personal power of owning your life and choices. It eliminates your position of CEO of your personal life.
4). Labeling de-values the significance of human connection and relationships.
We were brought into this world pure love. And with that love, we were designed to connect with other humans, to build relationships and community.
None of us can stand around just waiting to become healthy so that we can BE in relationship. We would be waiting forever.
The irony of this is that relationships are actually what helps us grow. Every interaction, every conversation is an opportunity to heal, grow and evolve. Unfortunately, when we throw someone to the side, label them as ‘poison’ and walk away-we actually short circuit our own growth. Typically we just move on down the road to find the next relationship. No learning, no observation, no healing, no growth. Just simply-”Give me the next best thing.”
***Again, I am not saying to remain in abusive relationships or continue to engage with people who have unhealthy behaviors that are impacting you*** YES, we do need to put into place strong boundaries and make clear decisions about what we will tolerate and be available for.
What I am encouraging you to do, is to simply slow down and become aware. Where might you be labeling someone too quickly and haven’t truly considered what might be going on here at a deeper level? Again, some of my favorite questions to ask myself when I’m struggling in a relationship are
“What is this person mirroring back to me?” “
“Is there an un-owned, unacknowledged part of myself that is being called to come forward and heal? “
“Does this person remind me of someone from my past?”
“Is there a familiar feeling that this person is reminding me of so that I can be aware and step into healing and growth?”
Often times relationships have revealed to me where I am not using my voice, making my needs clear, living my values or implementing and holding to my personal boundaries. So what is it for you? What are your relationships revealing to you?
Imagine if you entered a relationship with the idea that whatever needed to come forward for your highest good would appear? Imagine if you started to believe that everyone was in fact your teacher?
Imagine what could change for you. Imagine the lightness and love you could bring into the relationship. Knowing that whatever part of you was being called forward to heal and grow would be revealed…..
I know that this work is not always easy and I know how these four points can be a bit of a mind bend, but as you develop a better relationship with YOURSELF, you will begin to understand the hold that your own personal patterns and defense mechanisms have on you, and the more easily you will be able to understand others and how they experience the world. This cracks you open to leading your life with compassion. Not only for others, but for yourself. And I think one thing we can agree on-is that the world could use a little more compassion.
You Matter,
Krista
P.S. Doing this work of becoming more “conscious” or “spiritual” isn’t always the easiest of paths. It starts with the often painful realization that we are the problem AND we are the solution. This is amazing because now we get to CHOOSE how we want to heal and grow. The next steps are up to you-join the 7 Secrets of Sustainable Success Challenge so you can get the support you need to be an authentic expression of yourself and live a life you are obsessed with.