6 Reasons Women Lose Touch With Their Dreams

It’s that time of year once again….a fresh calendar, new beginnings, and an open heart ready to flush out some new dreams for the new year.  

I believe that everyone has a dream.  Some people are thrilled to be able to share theirs openly and honestly.  With great zest and enthusiasm.  While others seem to shy away.  It’s almost as if they are terrified or embarrassed to talk about their dream.  My former mentor John Maxwell defines a dream as an inspiring picture of the future that energizes your mind, will, and emotions, empowering you to do everything you can to achieve it.

I love that definition.  It takes me back to my childhood when I could easily spend countless hours dreaming about what I was going to be when I grew up, how many kids I would have, and who I would marry and where we would live.  Dreams pull you forward.  Your vision pulls you forward.  They give us life and energy.  They are part of our divine assignment.

And yet many people struggle to fulfill their dreams and even connect with their dreams.

After working with hundreds of clients and students, I have noticed there are certain themes that run between those who have lost touch with their dreams.  If you’ve lost touch with your dream, given up hope or never really connected with it, perhaps it will help you to learn about the top five reasons that people have trouble identifying their dreams.

1. Some Women Have Been Discouraged From Dreaming By Others. 

This could be a lot of different people in your life-there are dream crushers everywhere just waiting to kill your dreams for lots of different reasons.  Hurting people really do hurt others-it’s often the only way the one lashing out feels seen.  Sometimes it brings up feelings of deep insecurity and jealousy for others and it’s more than they can handle.  Their capacity to see others stepping out into their dreams is more than they can take.

There was a fascinating research study that I stumbled upon conducted with a group of monkeys. Four monkeys were placed in a room that had a tall pole in the center.  Suspended from the top of that pole was a bunch of bananas.  One of the hungry monkeys started climbing the pole to get something to eat, but just as the monkey reached out to grab the banana, he was doused with water.  The poor wet monkey scampered down the pole and abandoned the idea of feeding himself.  Each monkey tried to climb the pole in an attempt to eat, but each one was drenched with cold water.  After several attempts, they finally gave up. 

Here’s where the story gets even more interesting.  The researchers removed one of the monkeys from the room and replaced him with a new monkey.  As the newcomer began to climb the pole, the other three grabbed him and pulled him down to the ground.  After trying to climb the pole several times and being dragged down by the others, he finally gave up and stopped attempting to climb the pole.  

The researchers replaced the original monkeys, one by one, with new ones, and each time a new monkey was brought in, he would be dragged down by the others before he could reach the bananas.  In time, only monkeys who had never received a cold shower were in the room, but none of them would climb the pole.  They stopped one another from climbing to the pole but not a single one even knew why!

Does this resonate with you?  Has someone in your life pulled you down?  Have they discouraged you from dreaming?  There could be a hundred different reasons why, but I want to remind you that you are a powerful human who has the ability to CHOOSE if you are going to continue to allow others to stop you from dreaming or if you are going to do and be who it is you were created and designed to be.

2.  Some women are hindered by past disappointments.  

For many years I spent my life swimming in a sea of disappointment.  

I devoted a great deal of my time and energy working hard to achieve what I thought would make me happy,  What I thought would make me ‘successful.’

But when we get honest with ourselves, life is full of surprises, twists and turns that are not always the kind that we wish for.  

A relationship expires.  A career that was sought after and crafted out with intention, suddenly becomes dull and full of doubt.  A pregnancy isn’t happening.  A business isn’t really taking off.  A diagnosis interrupts our life, or a child just doesn’t live up to the potential that we know he/she has.

There is a gap that happens when our reality does not match the expectations that we attached to. Can you relate?

These disappointments can feel so devastating.  As humans it never feels good to feel the kind of pain that can come from having an “expectation hangover.”

So in order to avoid that kind of emotional pain-we often protect ourselves by saying-”I’ll never do that again.”  Failure is mandatory and part of the protocol when it comes to our dreams.  I love the acronym that I teach clients and students for the word FAIL.  First Attempt In Learning.  

We are learning, growing, stretching and expanding when we are living into our dreams.  Every time we take action-we collect more feedback, more data.  We are then using that data to keep going, to keep moving forward.  I invite you to look at your disappointments through the lens of FAIL.  When you extract the lessons, give yourself grace and keep going, you can accomplish your dreams.

3.  Some women are caught in the mediocrity epidemic.  

I am all too familiar with mediocrity myself.  I had no idea I could create a life I loved and create it on my terms for that matter.

Recently I was coaching a few different clients and I really noticed this theme come up really strongly.  There was a general theme in every component of their life and it all stemmed back to this one thing-tolerating living in mediocrity.

80% (if not higher) of people live with this epidemic. 

Now, let’s be clear, I’m not talking about having a 9 million dollar mansion or the latest G wagon rendition (hey, if that’s your jam then go for it).  What I’m talking about is living a life that is simply “Meh…”  “just ok.”  It’s not really awful...but it sure isn’t a life you LOVE.  It definitely isn’t a life that lights you up.

I’m talking about the marriage that has long since expired, the dead end job that is going nowhere.  I’m talking about the extra weight you keep saying you’re going to take off and you just don’t take action or the  friend group that you know isn’t a good influence.  I’m talking about stalling on taking action to build a really healthy relationship with yourself.

The problem with mediocrity is that you can live there FOREVER.  “Hey...it ain’t really THAT bad right?”  Could be worse...i hear it all the time.  It’s the kiss of death.

Mediocrity is usually not quite painful enough to take action-to really step into risk and change.  And so you sit.  And you tolerate until yet another year passes you by.  

But I want to invite you to start playing with a different question.  I want you to start to pivot from

“How much do I need to bear.,” TO ``How good can it get?”

Big difference right?

How good can you make your life?  How ‘alive’ can you be?  Or as my coach says-”how good can you take it?”  How good can you really make your life? 

Mediocrity is a choice.  And you can choose to say no thank you.  If you’re life is slipping away into mediocrity land, then it’s time to reconnect with those worthwhile dreams,

4.  Some women lack conviction

The definition of conviction-a firmly held belief or opinion. Being committed to your dream is no small feat.  It takes confidence, courage and conviction.  It won’t always feel easy-you won’t always feel like doing it (whatever it is)  but are you more committed to your dreams or your excuses?  It can feel scary as hell when you have no past record of success to give you the conviction.  But it starts by understanding your purpose while you are on this earth and that you are not here to play a small game.  You are here for a bigger game.   

Many women fall privy to the concept of what I call de-selfing.  What is de-selfing?  

De-Selfing is when too much of ones' self (including one's thoughts, wants, beliefs and ambitions) is negotiable under pressures from the relationship.  

Even when the person doing the compromising of self is not aware of it, de-selfing takes its inevitable toll.  As women, we typically carry a lot of different roles.  Marriage, children, employees, employers, volunteer positions, daughter, sister, aunt, friend.  We can lose ourselves and what matters to us under all of these labels. We start to detach from what really matters to us in an attempt to make sure that everyone around us is happy.  

Or perhaps you were never clear on what mattered to you to begin with.  You may have watched parents who never prioritized their needs, their values and their energy.  Or perhaps you were raised in a critical and strict home-as a result, you learned that you couldn’t trust yourself.  You only could trust the outside world because “they” knew more than you ever could.  

So how do you gain such conviction?  By developing your self trust, clarifying what you stand for, cultivating healthy and kind self talk, and  growing your circle of influence.  

5.  Some Women Have Never Given Themselves Permission.  

In order to give yourself permission-you have to BE READY.  Now before we all say “no one is ever really ready” (which I agree with) let’s examine what I mean by ready. The closer we get to ourselves during moments where we are having a hard time showing up for ourselves, the closer we get to ready. The more trust in ourselves that we can do hard things, that there isn’t something wrong with us cause we haven’t left yet, or taken that leap yet, allows us to repair the damage between our heart and our journey. ⁣

The more we understand that others can say what they want to say, but the process of DOING is really hard, and unique for us all, it let's us often our tight grip on who we “should be.” It allows us to BE. It allows us to realign with ourselves. To become our friend again despite things we have or haven’t done. It creates a space for us to come back to ourselves, and sometimes when we are really struggling, that’s the journey we need to be on to be “ready”.⁣

It’s easy to hurl advice at people, and easy to be frustrated when they aren’t making moves. It’s easy to do the same to ourselves. It’s easy to equate everything we don’t do to lack of self love or worth. But what we don’t realize is that self love is discovered, found, and fostered in these moments. That the more we can love ourselves through, the more we come out of it ready. Stronger. Able. Willing. We haven’t beaten up ourselves during the process, because that leaves us feeling down. Stuck. Broken. We rise in it.⁣

We trust our own journey. We understand our wrong turns. We make sense of exactly how we got here, and eventually, we are ready to take charge. And you will. You will.  Give yourself permission when you’re ready.

6.  We are too busy living our fears

Our fears can hold us back from our truth. From stepping into ourselves and being the person we know we are. From putting ourselves out there and doing what we are meant to do. ⁣

Fear has a way of disguising itself as truth, and we may live by them for a long time until we recognize them for what they are. So what are they? Old wounds. Struggles with self worth. They are procrastination. They are shame. They are taking the easy way out. They are numbing. They are not prioritizing the stuff that will move us along. They are weak or super rigid boundaries. ⁣
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Fear manifests in so many ways that one of the truest ways to see if it’s holding us back is realizing we are far away from where we want to be. From where we could be. From where we know we would shine. And if we start to see the many forms of fear, we then step into our power of choosing. We are either living a life where we are getting closer to ourselves or further away. I hope if this unique time brings you anything, it brings you closer to you.

In closing sister, I want you to know, our divine, true nature is pure + whole. 

We were made to love, to give, + to serve. To use our talents and gifts to live our dreams in whatever way that looks.

Our conditioning, our trauma, our inability to emotionally regulate causes us to behave in fear-based ways that aren’t who we actually are. 

Our work in this earth school is to BE love.  Our work is to heal so that we can BECOME the woman in our vision.  

And to forgive ourselves in the moments when we cannot. When we fall short.  

To see the goodness in self which allows us to see it in another. To awaken from our own wounded egos allows us to be a gift to the collective. The level of talent within each human being is just waiting to be seen, heard, + validated.

Let’s start the work of healing and becoming more conscious so that we can live this year in our highest potential.  

Sending you so much love in this New Year…YOU MATTER,

Krista

P.S. If you need a little help gaining clarity around where you want to go this year, download my free assessment right HERE