How to Thrive during the Holidays with these 6 Steps
For some, this is the most wonderful time of the year. But for many others, spending time with relatives over the holidays can prove to be extremely challenging. In addition to the love and care we may feel, family gatherings can bring up old hurts or expose painful differences.
How many family meals have been tainted by tense silence or devolved into harsh argument? Can I get an Amen? I remember it well…it was probably about 1983-ish and words were flying around thick with resentment and anger, while I was buried under the kitchen table hoping that it would all just go away.
For me, learning to find balance, authenticity and care in my conversations with family members was a key turning point in speaking my truth and communicating my needs and boundaries with family members. Instead of dreading the holiday meal, gritting your teeth and white knuckling your way through, I wanted to provide six tips for more meaningful, healthy conversations during the holidays.
1. Set intentions
One of the most transformative ingredients in a conversation is intention, the inclination or motivation that impels us to speak or act. When we come from healthy intentions like patience, kindness, or curiosity, we’re more likely to respond in a helpful way rather than react impulsively.
Take some time reflect on your intentions before you get together with family or friends. How do you want to engage? How strongly are you committed to those values? Can you feel the strength of that in your body? Sit with that for a moment.
This year, personally I am committed to the intention of peace. I can’t control anything outside of me. I can definitely make requests to switch topics, or share my truth, but peace is ultimately what I am seeking. This will involve at the start of the day a walk in nature, meditation, scheduled breathing breaks during the preparation and time gathering, saying a prayer when slowly lighting the candles, and spending a few moments alone during the duration of the day (this is easy since I am hosting, I can simply excuse myself to the bedroom for 5-10 minutes-perhaps if you are not hosting you can step outside for a couple of moments).
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2. Stay grounded
Being mindful is a prerequisite for effective conversations. Without awareness, we’re just running on autopilot. And autopilot is usually where we either slip into our patterns of hiding, shrinking, avoiding or stuffing our feelings or getting upset and lashing out, criticizing and judging. Neither are productive for healthy relationships. One way to stay mindful during conversation, and especially in challenging moments, is to feel the weight of your body. Sense your feet on the floor, the warmth in your hands, or the contact with the chair. Feeling the heaviness of our body and its contact with the floor can help us to stay grounded when things get heated. My other favorite is breathing. I love to take a nice deep breath in, really allow it to fill my belly and my chest cavity and slowing breath out (allowing my exhale to be longer than my inhale).
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3. Practice key phrases
How many times have you thought of the perfect thing to say hours (or days) after an argument or tense moment? I have done this a million times. Instead of freezing or falling back on old habits when we are triggered, practice a few key phrases ahead of time. This is KEY. We will always default to what is most familiar so it’s essential to build these new practices. This takes planning ahead (refer back to #1) and staying in your power. Consider where in past experiences, you might get stuck and then write down some phrases you can use if something similar happens. I must confess, I have had to do this, and STILL have to do this at times. Old patterns and conditioning run DEEP and it takes awhile to stop making accusations and criticize and use a different language that sounds like honesty and love.
For example:
To buy more time: “I feel a bit anxious trying to make that decision right now. I would love to have more time to think about that……”
To decline to comment: “I can see that is important to you and I’d prefer to talk about it some other time. How about we…?”
To pause a conversation: “This feel intense. I have a strong value of connection, and I don’t want things to get heated so let’s take a break on this topic for a little while.”
To change the subject: “I’d love to focus on enjoying one another’s company tonight. Let’s talk about…”
4. Listen for what matters
Another key way to ease tensions and turn a conversation around is to get curious. Instead of focusing on the things you disagree with, try to get interested. Get curious. Allow yourself to use curiosity as a power tool
Compassionate Communication (otherwise known as Non Violent Communication and something I use daily and teach my clients) teaches us that at the core, all humans share the same basic, fundamental needs. We all want to be happy, to be understood, to have meaning, to be seen, to connect, to know that we matter. Conflict happens at the level of our strategies—our ideas about how to meet our needs. When we identify what really matters, our commonalities outweigh our differences and we find shared humanity.
Practice listening for this deeper layer of human meaning and experience. Underneath the views and opinions, what’s important to this person? Genuinely listening for another’s values can go a long way to bridging the gap. I love to think of a bridge and we build that bridge between me and you (or whomever the other person is you are engaging with) plank by plank. Those planks are little moments of connection, compassion, empathy, listening, being cared for, and paying mindful attention to. Enough of those planks, and pretty soon-we’ve got an intimate, healthy relationship.
5. Consider limits ‘with care’
Keeping the peace has value, and it’s important to know your limits. Sometimes, speaking up is what’s most authentic or needed.
We can call out ideas we believe to be dangerous, harsh speech or harmful actions without degrading anyone. Instead of blaming, diagnosing or labeling someone (our typical or ‘normal way or speaking), speak from your heart about what matters to you. “I feel so upset by what you’re saying. Those kinds of generalizations can lead to terrible violence, and I want everyone to be seen for who they rather than be defined by their … (nationality, skin color, gender, sexual orientation, ability…).” By stating with your own feelings and needs, you can minimize conflict when it arises.
Ruminating or numbing your legitimate concerns with food, Netflix, alcohol or substances isn’t helpful if you want to really create connection and intimacy in your relationship. I know it can feel uncomfortable, but the more you speak your truth and with love and connection in mind, the easier it gets.
6. Keep your aims in check
Last, let go of the expectations. There can be great value in critical conversation, but consider if this family gathering is the right time and place for a meaningful exchange. It may be, it may not be. When you go back to #2, staying grounded-you can make a decision from your calm, clear minded self about when exactly would be a good time to address the situation, rather than from a reactionary mode and wind up with regrets later.
Trying to change the other person’s mind or beliefs, rarely supports real dialogue and takes the conversation in a healthy and meaningful direction. Instead, focus on how you’re having the conversation. Are you embodying your values regardless of the other person’s behavior? Are you standing in integrity with YOU?
While you’re unlikely to solve the world’s pressing issues over dinner, you might deepen your relationship with a relative if you can find a way to really listen and share ideas. When it comes down to it, our ability to engage with care and respect is often more effective than finding the right words.
I hope you find this helpful. Please reach out and share with me which one of these you will be trying this holiday season.
Happy Holidays, and don’t forget to download your copy of FREE: How to Stop Overreacting and live with more Peace and Purpose.
YOU MATTER,
Krista