The one thing that disconnects us from intimacy, depth and connection.

The stories and paradigms we create in our lives are often (if not always) based in our unprocessed fear and childhood wounding.  Fear of being told we’re wrong or we’re not doing it the right way.  Fear of being kicked out of the tribe,  fear of not feeling enough or being chosen.  Fear of not feeling wanted.  Fear of humiliation.  Fear of rejection or being shamed...the list goes on. 

Let’s be honest here, none of us like feeling that we don’t belong.  Therefore, in order to guard our tender hearts, we have no choice but  to devise a way to protect ourselves.   And that protection often looks like judgment.

We judge what others do, what they say, what they don’t do, and how they show up.  We judge their choices, their actions, what they eat and what they drink.  We judge who they vote for, whether they get the vaccine or don’t get the vaccine.  We judge what church they go to and how they dress...we judge, judge, judge.  

 If you struggle with feeling connected and creating deeper intimacy in your life, I am inviting you to consider ways in which you have used the shield of judgment to protect your tender heart.   I was nearly the ripe age of 40 that I began to open myself up to exploring the reasons in which I felt disconnected and a bit ‘lost'.’

In true vulnerability, I was tired of feeling lonely, and isolated.  I was tired of always feeling angry or irked with someone.  I was tired of arguing with my kids and my husband.  I was so disconnected from life and myself.   It was at this same time that I hired one of my first coaches, who challenged me to keep a judgment journal. I was about 3 hours into this process, when I began to see the pattern. I was to write down as many judgments as I could. It was eye opening ( and a bit sickening) to see some of what I had written down in black and white. I began to realize that my judgements were one of the very things that blocked me the intimacy, depth and connection that I ironically craved.

Does this sound familiar?

Judgment pushes people away. Often when we are in judgment, the energy that we send to others Is as though we are better.  And at a conscious level, we sometimes think we are.  We think we are smarter, thinner, and savier.  We believe we drive better cars, work harder, have more certification and accolades and donate to all the ‘right’ causes.  We begin slowly to separate ourselves from others.  We put ourselves into the “right boxes,” label ourselves and actually believe that is “just who we are.”  I’m here to say that it’s not just who you are.  It is patterned conditioning.  

The moment we see ourselves as separate from anyone else we detour into a false belief system that is out of alignment with our true nature, which is love. 

Each of us has different stories that cause us to separate from love. My story started in  kindergarten when I was hit by a teacher.  At that point, I began to buy into the belief that I just wasn’t smart.  Clearly I got the answer wrong, I must be punished, so I must not quite “know enough.” Surely I must be stupid.  

This situation (along with other situations that followed), produced a lot of fear in me.   And as a way to stand up to that fear, I began to  judge.   I needed to  build myself  up. I needed to lean on judgment as my great protector.  It became a true friend when I felt so alone.   In many ways, my  judgment  fought hard for me.  It worked relentlessly to keep me  from feeling big emotions like sadness, anger, jealousy, resentment and disappointment.  This is really important to remember. 

Because when we can understand where our judgment comes from and why it was created, we can begin to have compassion for it.  The bottom line is that judgment is disconnection from love.  And as God’s children, WE ARE LOVE.  We simply forget.  

As I have examined and gone deep into my own judgments, I came to the conclusion that judgment is at the root of so many of our current day problems.  From the pettiest disagreements to the most catastrophic world events. Our belief that we are separate from one another along with holding unto our unhealed wounds leads to gossip, bullying, dismissing one another, and critical observations as well as deep divisions and violent hate. Healing judgment is a matter of deep urgency in our culture right now.  

The truth is that we have the capacity to be incredibly loving compassionate humans.  When God chose to breathe his breath of life into us, we ultimately have God within us.  And God is love.  Therefore we are love.  

Consider for a moment, who told you that you weren’t not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, thin enough, capable enough, talented enough, fill in the blank enough?  It’s happened to all of us and when we start to see ourselves as apart from others-this separation makes us feel alone in the world. So judgement becomes a sort of friend.  To protect ourselves against the fear and pain of being alone.

We desperately want connection and intimacy with others, but we don’t even realize that we hide behind masks of fear and judgment.  We continue to play out the same old tracks in our head of why we don’t feel good enough so we pick up the shield of judgment to create a hit in our system for a moment that makes us feel better for just a brief moment.  

I have ran these stories and programs in my head for decades.  Stories that I didn’t belong, measure up, or fit in.  I wanted connection, but most of what I felt was shallow and lonely.  It wasn’t until I started to really work with my inner child and allow her to have a seat at the table to be seen and heard, that I was able to look at my judgment and start to create something deeper in my life. 

I had to acknowledge my own trauma and rejection wounds in order to drop the shield of protection judgment that I knew so well.  I am not here to say that I have kicked judgment to the curb 100%.  But I am committed to the process.  I have gone to some of the deepest places within myself in order to speak my truth, own my space, ask for my needs to be met and move through my fears.  This helps me stop pretending that I’ve got it all together and allows me to simply be vulnerable and real.  And vulnerability and honesty has created some of the most deep and intimate relationships I have ever known.  

So now, I notice the judgment when it arises and I acknowledge it.  I get curious about it.  I’ve even given her a name Judge Judy, classic I know.  

 I honor Judy because she has fought hard for me for decades. Judy had a really important role to play.  A role that often felt like life or death.  Isn’t that how shame and criticism sometimes feel...like life or death? At least they did to me.  

I understand now how Judy is trying to protect that little girl still inside of me.  So instead of quickly grabbing the shield of judgment to self protect,  I slow down, breathe and choose love.  Because at the end of my life I want to feel connected and intimate with the people that God entrusted to me.  And when I can truly see and hear people rather than judge them, I open myself up to feel the greatest depth of intimacy and purpose that I’ve ever known.