People Pleasers are LIARS!
“Honesty is better than sugar-coated bullshit.”
~ Unknown
I love the above quote because it reminds me that when we step into people pleasing, we tend to dim our light and not speak our truth. I get it, coming from a recovering people pleaser, it can feel challenging to hurt someone’s feelings. But deep down, this is really a much deeper issue. Speaking your truth MAY in fact hurt others feelings from time to time. That’s not on you-that’s on them. That’s THEIR stuff being triggered (unless you were very unkind in your delivery which is another blog post for another day-that’s not what we’re talking about here.)
I want you to really think about the fact that when we strongly identify as a ‘people pleaser,’ we often don’t even really know WHO we are.
So, to all my people pleasers out there, you will always fail at trying to be everything to everyone. It may seem blunt but people pleasing is a waste of your precious energy and costs you authentic relationships.
Bottom line: People pleasers are liars. Yeah. Let that just sink in for a moment. I’ll wait…
We think by people pleasing, we are somehow magically catering to everyone around us. Making everyone else happy. But here are two major problems in the whole people-pleasing endeavor:
1). You suffer because your authenticity is stifled.
2). All anyone really wants is to have people around them who are really REAL.
In today’s world people CRAVE authenticity. People CRAVE vulnerability. And when you're a people pleaser, you are acting as anything BUT real. You have chosen the role of chameleon-Always changing, blending and adjusting to ‘fit in.’ No one ever gets to know the real you. And in essence, it’s lying. It’s never really allowing anyone to get the real you, it’s never allowing YOU to get the real YOU.
I think mostly because you never really know the real you.
Think about how you feel when someone is never really honest and authentic with you. Do you feel truly connected? Do you feel super trusting of that person? Or do you sense they have something to hide? Do you start to question their genuineness? Do you question the relationship and where you stand? My guess is the latter.
Ask yourself, do you really want to sign up for friendships who don’t know who they really are and simply tell you what you want to hear?
I doubt it.
Deep down people pleasing comes from a childhood pattern of thinking that’s how we get love and stay safe in the world- by making sure other people are okay, not mad, and like us.
Instead of pleasing people, the goal here is to practice radical honesty instead.
And the first person to get radically honest with is YOURSELF.
The very first step is to begin to re-parent yourself with compassion, and to remind yourself that pleasing everyone is just not possible.
It is not your job to people please.
It’s not your responsibility to put everyone before yourself.
It is not your duty to make sure others are happy.
It is not your obligation to ensure that others are not upset.
Let me be clear, this does not mean that you don’t offer compassion and grace.
The difference is that your worth and value no longer depends on their happiness or approval.
This is why the very first thing to tackle when it comes to people pleasing is to connect with yourself. To build integrity with yourself by returning to who you really are, by uncovering your truth-who you are.
Remember, people pleasers have altered themselves to fit in for much of their life. So the reality is that when you’ve built much of your life on what others think and making sure they are happy, you haven’t really given your own truth much room to take shape.
This is why the very place to start is by building back your relationship with yourself.
As you make more and more self-honoring choices, you will create more authentic relationships and people pleasing will be a thing of the past.
Here are 3 ways to get started:
1). Write out who you are. Your unique essence. Not who other people told you to be or who you’ve pretended to be. Not the chameleon you. The REAL YOU. Who are YOU? Spend some time writing out who that person is.
2). Take everything you wrote out in #1 and create I AM statements. For example-if you wrote down I am a vibrant, playful, creative woman. Turn that into I AM VIBRANT. I AM PLAYFUL. I AM CREATIVE.
With those I AM statements, go to the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes and say them outloud. Speak love, compassion and TRUTH to yourself. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE. This is your unique essence. This is who God created you to be.
3). Pick at least 2 people that you can start practicing intimacy and authenticy with. Share with them-’hey, this is something that I’ve really been struggling with, or “i just really need to share something that’s been on my heart-is this something you are challenged by to?”
Authenticity is about dropping the mask. It’s about identifying all the places you might be pretending and refusing to pretend any longer.
As you make more and more self-honoring choices, you will create more authentic relationships and people pleasing will be a thing of the past.
Give yourself the love you deserve by stepping into your authenticity and putting a stop to people pleasing.
You Matter,
Krista
P.S. I understand that for many of you this isn’t an easy process-so lucky you!! I recently had 2 private coaching slots become available. Getting to the other side of career confusion and failure, lack of belief in myself, family breakdowns, unworthiness, relationship issues and endings, have taught me so many HUGE lessons that have left me inspired and passionate to teach YOU.
While I truly believe that we are all our own best inner counselor and coach, sometimes we simply need someone else to help get us started ....which is why I want to extend an invitation for us to work together on helping you create the life, career, relationships, health and success you desire.
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P.P.S -Have you listened to my Podcast, The Selfish Badass yet? We are 20 episodes in and I think you will find it incredibly helpful and insightful for your personal growth journey.
P.P.S.S.-Last one I promise..have you downloaded my ebook yet, Why Selfish is The New Black? This is an incredibly robust PDF that will give your 6 awesome tips for how to live a ridiculously happy and fulfilling life.